Seeing Myself at the party.

There was a cast party this afternoon/evening to honor the end of the summer shows.

I dressed up a bit, but I felt fat and unused somehow. Strange how one's connections and self esteem as a a performer can go up and down with being cast or not. I really know better. But my plumpness I can only blame myself for. Consistently this summer I have snacked when I've been home writing, but being in a play (although it stresses me some to be away from the boys), at least that activity usually keeps me active and bit more disciplined. I'd love to exercise some more and eat wisely, but it is a tough thing to do on your own.

The boys had a blast at the party. They played SO HARD with the Halterman boys that their cheeks were bright red in the heat. Donovan pulled Keith Hamm and Travis out by the hand and persuaded them to swing him high in the air like old times. Well, they did, and then they did something I'd never seen before: they flipped him all the way over above their heads and back again! Wow. Donovan was still giggling so they did it two more times and then of course Weston wanted his turn and the other boys, etc.

Closures are strange. Parties are never as profound as they should be. They're rarely organized to connect to the deepest parts in people and that's why we're all grasping. We want more connection, more significance, but the cast party with a limited budget on how many burgers or hot dogs you're allowed to eat just doesn't feel truly generous somehow. It's still worth doing, but it lacks the lavish praise and reward we all long for. We want to dignify the work and the worth of our vocation and calling.

Dave's going through withdrawal I'm sure.

Donovan was scared last night of a terrible nightmare. He's going through a transition too and it's harder to remember that than with Weston who is just beginning.

I must be grieving my youth somehow.

Good.

I love this picture of Maki and Donovan because she didn't shy away or mug for the camera

but just seized the moment and almost celebrated herself. That's what I want to do.

Now, to get on with what I know is good and not worry about my outside image except where it affects my health or some kind of inner lie. Humm...

Good.