The Fog of So Many Possibilities

 Today the fog is thick, both in my mind and in the air.  And it is threatening to infiltrate my heart as well.

My body is thick with layers of protective comfort eating, a lack of clarity and low esteem.

I know better than to believe that my value comes from others noticing the good work I do, but somehow others valuing the good work I do helps it feel real.  It registers that they see what I see and I don't feel so alone.  Otherwise, I can feel like I'm in a thick fog of isolation as well.  Everyone is protecting their own interests and I am swirling and floundering and not even sure which way is up.  Where is the sun in all this fog?  If I blow out from my mask, which way will the bubbles go to the surface?

For me, a lack of action layers on the fog and it presses down.  But also, saying yes, to whatever idea surfaces, or whatever hope is glimpsed in someone else's dream, can also thicken the chill above the warm ground.  

The ground is willing, but the air is cold and vision is limited.  I know the hills and sky and fields are out there, but I can not see them.  

Am I to look closer to home at this time?  Of course.

But if I don't chart a path for the adventures further off, I may be caught unprepared.

I'm gathering oil for my lamp in case this grant comes through and suddenly I've been given 10 talents with which to make a hundred fold and empower, enable and employ 20 people.

I'm longing to see the map of how overlapping activities might coincide with goodwill and joy, knowing full well one audition or phone call or home/work/health emergency could spill the whole Monopoly board into random arbitration.

We are not as kind to our neighbors when we don't gather or chat with them.

We are not our best selves when we only look after our own.

We are not welcome to order and improve our workplace or community or others lives.  So where do I put my energies?  And what do I do when I simply don't have the time because surprises steal away my first fruits?

And what how do I discern what is God's good and perfect will when I see so little motivation or recognition of life around me?

And what do I do with my sight and imagination?  How can I be disciplined when there is no graspable guarantee?  Will I make the movie, regardless of funding?  Will I bake away all summer because it's a good thing and others don't dare take the time?  Should I continue to provide community connection, fill the gaps at my workplace, and grow a garden, just because they're good things to do?  Probably.  But what do I do with my disappointment when others can not rise, can not be relied upon to follow through on their responsibilities, or ... can not see...

because of the FOG

Guide me oh, thou great Jehovah.

Help me see your hand in mine.

Take me through, the winding coulee, 

In the valley we may still discover the way

In the small, the quiet, the birdsong and the dew

In the water, the crocus, the deer and the view...

Please and thank you.