Walking Forward

 Ask about the good way and walk in it.

I feel strong compulsions to create.  To foster dialogue and shed light on truths that are not usually shared.  To retell familiar stories and assert connections.  To bring things to life theatrically, whether that is in a church, a theatre, online, or at my dining room table. 

This unction from God does not mesh with the prevailing winds of fear, depression, rage, disappointment, political deceit or righteousness, safety, capitalism, submissiveness, or self care -- although the latter could be debated in the long run.

I slip into booth 12 at the Eugene Public Library to borrow a computer because I left the house not remembering that I had an afternoon appointment after my morning rehearsal and forgot to bring my laptop so I could chip away at my play.  The big one.  There is also a little one, and a collaborative one, and several medium ones, but , yeah, the BIG one.  The one that I have no promise of reception or production, but the one that keeps taking over my imagination and feeding me impulses and new thoughts.  Unorthodox thoughts.  Brilliant thoughts.  Simple thoughts.  Mischievous thoughts.  Beautiful thoughts.

God help me to know if I'm mis-stepping... otherwise I will continue to follow follow follow my delight and my burning questions.

I'm downtown Eugene as well, and there has been several opportunities to encounter others outside of my routine.  There has already been marvelous truthtelling and movement and imagination at my devised theatre rehearsal this morning -- thank God for these courageous women lending their hearts in the midst of their fiercely busy lives and care-giving, service, responsibilities and occupations.  And thank God for the courageous and kind husband who has stepped up to hold the reins while I play in the pool, honoring the stories of women -- those who have gone before, those who are struggling and surviving now, and those who will stride into the future.  Honoring me and my story.

Then off to amazing food from Zandos, including a tip, and wondering where and how to garner the means to continue buying meals when out and about.  If I were a morning person, would it be different?  Would I get up early and set to organizing my day and packing a lunch from food already in my refrigerator?  Or would I simply write longer on my play than I did this morning?

The library computer has headphones and I decide to use them instead of listening to a man speak too loudly all the way over at the desk.  And what do I find to listen to as background?  Arvo Part.  Yes, the achingly familiar and stunning artist of sparcity and longing.  Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you God for the blue, blue sky.  For the many tulip tree and cherry and apple and pear blossoms.  Spring is encroaching and taking over with delicate profusity, and I can not ignore it.  I want to skip and sing with the birds.  I want to bake and revel in warm sidewalks with moss and cut grass.  And in the midst of this idylic reverie and flow, a commercial rudelly interrupts the master composer on the free youtube account and a woman in a sliver of a bikini is trying to sell me things off on the sidebar.  No. Push Skip. Back to the music.  But now, someone has put two recordings of Spiegel im Spiegel on this collection, and I am not fooled and I can only take 9 minutes a day of that one, so please...

So much for being in a state of gratitude.  That didn't last long.

And yet I am so privileged.  So provided for in ways that I want to see and remember.  I want to make art, but I don't want to be unwise.  But I do feel a bit like Gideon being asked to trust that less is more and that earnest, childlike hope and loving actions can really win the battle against the 10,000 Philistines.

His grace is sufficient.

Do I really believe that?

Help thou my unbelief.

Walking forward in trust.

Hmm... Abraham walked forward onto the promised land after leaving all he knew (Okay, except his wife and nephew and extended family and several herd of cattle and ....) but nonetheless, the image comes upon me.  Each step he took he could claim that new land as his.  Now without getting into colonialization or greed.... What if that metaphor worked for me in responding to my own calling to create and then boldly assert SHARING what I faciliate and create, even amidst great uncertainty?  Each step I am claiming the audacious vision I have received and the ground does not give way beneath my feet.  (As the descanting strings fly over the walking melody of Tabla Rasa II Silentium)  resounding with the Spiritual resonance of my courage and obedience... the promise of freedom by telling the truth, and telling it sensitively, boldly, artfully, and in community.

Walking forward. Asserting.  Praying.  Learning.  Loving.  Wishing.  Longing.  Hoping.  

And 

with just enough mana each day.

(final squeals of high pitched humming bird like resonance and I am undone)