Stopped in the middle... to really see

Inspiring music softens me as I work. It lifts and separates (ha!), but it does: it buoys me up and carries me along, and it helps me discern the dross from the pure gold. The Reality from the exaggerated fears.

This week is so challenging when I look at it all. A mountain of to-do’s and pressure to do them well, as I am holding the hopes and fears of my students in my hands with the words I choose to tell them the truth. It usually takes more than one comb through to get out all the tangles of my own quirkiness, indirectness, or bile. Sigh.

Lots of sighing can happen during this process of careful teaching. Affirming and naming, prodding and pushing.

If I’m not careful, I easily feel robbed of my holiday time. The boys are home and longing to show me their creations. I’m so torn. Dave is weary as all get out and under it as much or more than I.

I’m trying to make healthier choices with my eating (well, and exercising, but that’s so hard when it’s cold out and my house hardly has room...) and being home to work is challenging with snacks nearby to distract and fuel... at least in the immediate.

Still, Donovan and Weston’s desires stop me. Donovan is so hungry to create -- something new every day. It’s amazing. He whipped up a large canvas painting of a knight and a dragon in 20 minutes! And then, with their new found “toasty toes” (see pic above with Weston modeling, albeit fuzzy) they can stay out in the cold for longer periods of time, and Donovan made various slain snowmen (inspired by Calvin, I’m sure). "The Backstabbed Dewey", "Poor Shmo who got split by the whippersnapper on the scooter", and of course the other "Shmoozle who tried to scoot in the snow and crashed and disintegrated". Still haven't shown the one that got impaled by the telephone pole... maybe next time.

And Weston... he wants to go Christmas Caroling. It’s funny, but we had to plan to do that three nights from now just to find a time when we could all do it together. Weston craves tradition and connection; he needs pattern and regularity -- something to look forward to. So sweet. I hope we don’t disappoint him.

I see parts of myself in both these boys, the parts of them they can’t live without and it suddenly dwarfs all my ambition and stress when I just stop and really see them. Precious souls. Forming. Now.

Then I know, all will be done.

All that must needs be done will find its way to the surface of my conscience and my mind and body will follow and tears will break me and I will be grateful to feel so alive.

God, help me to be brave; to not cave into too much chocolate, and yet also give myself room to achieve slowly, truly, and remain open to spontaneous visits and the needs of others. Help me discern. Please.