Today was tough. We have so many plump, ripe tomatoes right now that I jumped on a chance to do more canning on my day off. Dave and the boys helped some, but then we got interrupted, the boys took off outside in their shorts and Dave took an important phone call. From there on in I think I made almost every mistake you could with the tomoatoes. By the time I finally got them boiling in the canner, it was almost supper time. I lifted the lid after about an hour of boiling and was shocked to see tomatoe mush floating all around in the canner! Three of my seven jars had not sealed and had dispersed their contents into the huge vat of canning water. Oh, I was so discouraged. Suffice it to say we had spaghetti for dinner, only to have the boys complain about there being "too much meat". We had fried up some Italian sausage, but the boys weren't too keen on it. The chipas I made were also a bit a strange and I nearly gagged on the inner bits. Suddenly the consistentcy seemed gooby and gross and I wanted to spit it out. The crunchy parts were fine.
Part of my problem, I'm sure, was staying up too late last night, and not following routine today. The weight of the week has come down on us and instead of chipping away, I'm running away. At least sort of. I confess I broke into the Reece's Peanutbutter cups stash for Halloween. I know when I get secretive about my eating that I'm not feeling good about myself. I must be afraid of the show. The Dutch and various dialects are a challenge, but I'm more intimidated by the singing. It is still a mystery to me how I'll find the courage and freedom to sing high and strong without strain or too much control. That is what is scaring me. And I am the one who has to help myself through it.
I stayed up last night because I was watching Youtube clips of Sandi Patty, Amy Grant, Kristin Chenoweth. I'm really drawn to all three of those women. I'm curious about them because I'm somewhat like them. Actually I'm very much like them, except that I'm not famous. I hear their struggles and connect with their honesty and their charm. I know about being talented and pleasing and lonely because of it; of being misunderstood and yet continuing to articulate my particular truth in hopes of finding like-minded seekers who understand.
The moon picture on this blog was from the morning it sunk so low in the western sky as I walked Donovan to the bus. It's tiny in the picture, but as I passed the community center, it was starting to get huge. As I stood waiting with Donovan I had planned to race back to the vantage from the highway and get a horizon shot, but alas, when I returned it had gone. Sunk. I was mad. I had missed one of the most beautiful sights in a long time.
As I went on my walk the rocks crunched beneath my feet. I photographed them instead. Beautiful in their own way. When I had gazed at the moon, I thought I saw continents: shades of gray and blue amidst the cloudy white. I suppose if an alien came here, they would rejoice at our gravel in all its myriad shades and wonder at its texture and abundance.
As I passed on, I noticed the cat tails again, they're much fluffier now, and the cranberry looking berries -- bright red. These simple discoveries are a world in themselves, just as marvelous as the moon, but right on my path. Like the moon, but not famous.
The tomatoes I ate tonight, (probably 12 or so of the 600 we picked!) are also a wonder. How long has it been since I've made fresh sauce from scratch? The garlic cloves were all soft and roasted like, and the pesto and kalamata/caper tapendade made it so flavorful. But I was a bit tired and over-sugared from all my snacking before ( I didn't mention the rest of Donovan's caramel apple I couldn't throw way and "needed" to be eaten so as not to waste it, you see...).
We also read the most powerful chapters from "Voyage of the Dawn Treader". The part where Eustace, who's been a pill the whole time, turns into a dragon, and must live in that state for a number of days until Aslan peels off his skin and washes him in the well. Stunning. Redemption out of a heart of remorse and a renewed longing for what he was intended for all along. --This makes me think. Bill said in rehearsal that we are all cast because we're all singers and storytellers. I know that seems obvious, but it goes deeper: we have a deep desire to share story and to do it to the best of our ability. To transcend the every day by connecting to the everyday... and then to get out of our own way. Whether we're famous or not.
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