Thursday, May 13, 2010

Do I wait for the Muse, or show up and deliver something?





Yesterday I wrote well.
Today I hit a wall.
I wept at my keyboard.
I did other things.
I kept coming back to my play and found myself unable to know how to move forward.
I know some pieces are not as good as others, but they still work in my own mind, and I don't know how to patch up the hole if I rip them out.
I long for accountability other than myself. The guilt I feel when I try to deceive myself is heavy. I'm either avoiding the work, or I need to take a break and go do something else.
Sigh.
Rehearsal seems so much easier now than self directed projects.

Weston lost a tooth last night.
He was so excited!

Now he has the cutest lisp.
I went for a walk up on the ridge this afternoon and suddenly a large coyote went leaping out in front of me across the hill. It took my breath away -- Big fluffy tail, and so quick!
When the boys got home I said, "Guess what I saw today up on Hamm Hill?"
"A garter snake?" "No." "A frog?" "No." "A wasp?" "Nope." "A deer?" "No. Something we hear at night." "Ha! I know-- a cricket!" "No. "A firefly!" "No... It had a big fluffy tail!" "A bunny!!" "No." "A porcupine?" "No." "I know... A coyote!" "Yeah!!!!!"
Oh, that was so fun. Just watching Weston's face light up with each guess -- he was so sure he was right each time! And it was Donovan who finally guessed it, poor West.
Donovan is doing really well school. He's coming up on some achievement tests where he writes a story. He did a practice one already and it was so clever!
Our boys are growing up.
It's happening.
Weston is taking a bath almost every day now with all the dirt and mud he's into.
Oh... I need some structure and someone to hold me accountable. OR I need to relax and enjoy the lack of structure without guilt. I wonder... would that attitude help me write my play? Wait for the muse?
Keep taking walks and looking for signs? Or just showing up and beginning?

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