Nice is different than Good

There have been some incredible mercies the past week.  Some folks have been so generous with their words and wishes and resources that they have given out of pocket to support our upcoming adventure.

In the midst of massive decisions and bookings and discerning between train schedules and airbnb's, these words of grace and financial support have been vital to balancing our stress and emboldening our courage to embark on our mission.

But there have been other troubling things.  Fears.

Not just the fears of traveling in the Unknown; of course those have been percolating ever since talk of this trip began.

But, boring enough, the same old fears of feeling alone, of disappointing others and feeling misunderstood, and of lacking the discipline to do the work that needs to be done.

I think I'm feeling old.  I'm not as spry or pretty.  I'm more prone to injury and discomfort.

-- I know better than to let these thoughts weigh me down and try to battle them when I can, but they have a way of slipping back in and making themselves at home in my mind.

Sigh.

But it is a deeper truth I'm contemplating, a pervasive one.  And I'm just starting to find the words for it.  It has to do with my expectations and with how rare it is to find a kindred spirit.

I'm realizing that this taste for adventure and desire for growth has to happen here at home.  It has to begin now and carry on after the stimulus of the New and Other.

People are people wherever you go and they can be generous in both places, and they can be stubborn and protective and controlling in both places.

And I will likely wrestle with the same old tendencies and disappointments.

...

I was hurt yesterday by what I perceive to be a pressure to be nice over good.

Appearing nice and shiny is different than being good... it is different than the joy that truth can bring...because truth is often messy.  And it is in the midst of the mess that we long for clarity and light and when the light of grace comes, we are so thrilled because it met us in our time of need, in our mess, and it means so much when it comes in that way.

GOOD is deeper than nice.  Good is Truth and Provision matching my need.  Good is the flip side of pain and as such it has the Depth to dignify my loss and bring about true balance.

Nice pales in comparison.

Nice has disappointed me enough to become a red flag of covering something.  It can feel insincere.

Nice is different than good.  And anyone who tells me otherwise is selling something.

The work we do in Rosebud is striving to centre on good.

Often I encounter people who come here either as students or patrons who think that Rosebud is safe and nice.

When the work in Rosebud is striving for truth, than it cannot be safe, and it is not always nice.

But it is good.

...

These troublesome thoughts that are turning in my mind during this time of transition do not negate the generous giving of my friends and family in any way.  I value their generosity so much.

In fact these offers bring me to tears because they minister to my needs in a way that I didn't know could happen.

I think the reason I name this other principle of nice vs. good, is not in light of those gifts, but in the shadow of them.  In the times where I still have to face the reality of the limitations in me and around me.

I think what I'm realizing is that while my trip will bring enlightenment, it won't provide ease or joy without struggle -- to communicate, or to get from one place to the next, or simply the struggle of  having to deal with all the nitty gritty of things that must be done in order to leave.

Purging through some of my belongings in order to leave our dwelling a little more neutral and clean has really been a challenging exercise in endurance.  Each item has to be weighed for it's value and either grieved and let go of, or kept for a significant reason, -- and that effort is exhausting, but...
good.

What is coming into focus, is that I -- I, Jeany, have a strong bent toward not just having my trip (or my life) be GOOD, but NICE.

I have to look at myself now and embrace the uncomfortable in order to have eyes to see the GOOD.

And perhaps this realization will give me Grace to be more understanding when others have trouble doing this as well.

Hmmm....

Jeany
(in the midst of it...)


Not only am I going on an adventure.

I am already on one.