Flesh of my Flesh

My son Donovan.  --I was thrilled at his birth.  Surprised he had red hair.  And touched by his sweetness, even then.  Donovan has a very sensitive heart.  But Donovan and I are also very similar and sometimes we clash horns.  We both love to create and to have freedom to do so.  We are fed off of our own stream of ideas and chafe under too much structure.  We both like to be the one in charge and don't like to do chores... this makes for stormy weather between us.  I'm so quick to see his selfishness and I'm hard on him at the first, so if it continues, he's bound to earn a consequence.  It often takes a lot of undoing to come away from a tough conflict and he is usually in tears.  I realize he's not aware how strong his attitude is and how disrespectful he can be.  But I also know that deep down, he knows better, and wants what's better.

Today in Rosebud we had a fierce storm winds.  (The pictures on this page are actually from a freak cloud we had this summer, but it gives the same sense of alarm.)  The WIND started from the south and then turned from the north and finally, came raging in from the west!  It was like all the crisp leaves in town were suddenly being pulled in by a huge vacuum from the east.  They were flying in the air like birds, like thousands of birds.  The wind was so strong it roared.  The young trees bent and the old ones got whipped clean.  Everyone in town had to stop and take it in.  There was a clear sense that something stronger than us was at work, and we were at it's mercy.  I came home to find cardboard and toys moved from their shelter and Weston's nose pressed against the window.  We stayed inside and colored.

Later Donovan came home, eager to jump on the computer and play games... and that's when things started to go sour.  It's hard for me to leave him his space and still teach him responsibility.  Later at dinner he shoved in on Weston to get the forks from the drawer just when I had a pan of hot water over their heads.  Normally this would have been fine, but the tussle scared me and David lost his temper briefly and sent Donovan in tears to a time out.  Poor guy.  Nothing seems to go his way on these few hours between after school and bedtime. (I know, sounds like Midsummer...)  Anyway, the boys and Dave will find their stride tonight as I go off to choir.  I did get to connect to Donovan quietly in the rocking chair and I must admit I was so pleased he loved the pumpkin scones I made.  Thank God.  Thanks, God.

A Time of Death and Work

The clouds are finally covering today after a week of glorious, golden sunshine and super blue skies.  We finally harvested our prize pumpkin and all the tomatoes.  I didn't have the heart to chop down the plants when they were so strong, and many had new growth.  I'll be curious to see how long they last.  I'm so grateful for the garden this year.  I marvel at the growth happening right before my eyes.  Even though I know most of the plants are done, I'm still pruning; still snipping off the dead in hope that more life could come to fruition.  Such a metaphor...

Donovan was a saucy pill this morning and ended up having to do a lot of chores right beside David and I.  I wonder about his strong sense of independence... I want to encourage it in the best way, but I can't allow him to be so rude and unkind.  I recall my own childhood and my reluctance to do chores... ah, yes.

We're reading Prince Caspian right now and we love it.  "Soup and celery" says Trumpkin.  Or, "Bilge and beanstalks" and "Lobsters and lollipops!" The boys love quoting him.  We go to Lethbridge tomorrow and I hope it becomes a time for us to bond as a family.  It's a long time in the car, but there's a pool at the end of the tunnel.  I hope we keep ourselves in good health and spirits.

Adbusters came today.  There are many things I am not ready to print for others eyes.  I think if I started, I could cry for a while...  The weight of the world is heavy with sorrow.

Another day, another sigh

Oh.  Today I learned that the sensitivity in my left ear and the constant phlegm in my throat over the last year is because I have an acute infection in my left sinus and a chronic one in my right.  My doctor had prescribed a CT exam back in July and I only just got in this week.  Wow, that was strange: sliding into a big Cheerio machine and told to be still.  Saliva gathered in the back of my throat and after several concerned moments of waiting I finally swallowed, hoping that wouldn't smudge the X-ray.  Wow.  I've had an infection all these months!  That's scary because I don't like being so susceptible.  I wonder if the antibiotics will work? 'Course I can't get into town until tomorrow night... Dave thinks the pharmacy will be closed. Humm...

I sang again today, high.  It's been awhile.  It's scary hold

ing your own with 4-5 people.  I've got some old tension/grabbing habits.  I hope I can find the sensation of freedom and keep coming back to it.  I do not view myself as a musician.  I feel I don't get it technically, or that it just doesn't come natural like it does to "musicians", but I know I'm musical, and I have a strong voice that I am STILL coming to know.  Sigh.  Singing makes me feel so full and so fragile at times.  Acting is much simpler.  Dance is even more rewarding and fun.  I hope to do these things long into my life.

I miss my son Donovan.  He's away at school so long, 

and then he's so willful at home.  I need some time with him alone.  --Weston and I had a wonderful long sunny walk in the fields today.  We collected some dried prairie grasses for bouquets for the awards banquet this coming Sunday.  Tomorrow we'll collect more leaves and dry them and string them up in a garland.

Today when I pulled the frosty tarps off the garden a bumblebee was asleep on the face of a sunflower.  I stared at it, not sure if it had froze or if it was still moving.  Later it was gone.  Wow.  I think it spent the night out there.  I think we'll have to pull our tomatoes in soon.  This blanketing the garden each night is getting old, and the leaves are still getting bit.

Weston and I played "Easter bunny" with 3 of his stuffies: Brown Bear (of course), Soft Paws (the bunny), and Seal (Donovan's new puppet from SeaTac).  It was fun, but then Dave and I were trying to select Greek masks to buy for our advanced acting class and Weston could hardly stand it.  He kept pulling on me to get me back to playing with him.  I hardly got anything done all day... but I did get to play with Weston, and he's only four for a little while longer....